a hundred indecisions

so instead I’m going to answer a slightly easier question that nobody really asked, which is: top 5 fics I wrote last year. and actually this kind of has been asked, at some point probably months ago, because Lise and wmndarklord (that username no longer exists, so I’m not sure if they changed their username or they’re not on Tumblr at all anymore) tagged me in a meme to list my 5 favorite fics I’ve written ever, so narrowing that down to “5 favorite fics I wrote in 2018″ is easier and seasonally appropriate! 

it should probably surprise no one to learn that all 5 are Loki fics.

exit, pursued by tentacles. honestly it’s a weird mix of cracky humor and heartfelt Brodinson stuff, all based on me taking a Funko short too seriously and getting upset about it, which doesn’t sound like it should result in a decent fic but I really like what I ended up writing. I think the funny and serious stuff is pretty well balanced, and I established the scenario without a ton of infodumping. plus Loki gets to fuck with Dr. Strange and that’s very important. 

all turn to fire. Infinity War speculation fic that I didn’t finish until after IW came out internationally and spoilers were available, so it’s at a weird intersection of speculation and AU. this is also kind of an odd one for various reasons, especially because I made a couple assumptions based on the trailer (that the Statesman had crashed on a planet, mainly, which I then had to connect to Thor floating in space) and then had to work hard to make the fic fit those assumptions when canon was actually more straightforward, to the point that I don’t have any plans of continuing it like I said I might because canon is a simpler place to start for any AUs…and the process of writing it was kind of agonizing given that I meant to finish it well before IW actually came out but then I ended up frantically trying to finish it while knowing spoilers existed…but I recently reread this and I really, really like a lot of what I did with it. lots of good lines, solid dialogue (from a bunch of different characters, even), and I remember the attempted escape being incredibly hard to write but on reread I’m just like “hey good job, Past Me, this is suspenseful and tightly written!”

I am a time bomb ticking away the hours to blow your world apart. not to blow my own horn or anything but I think this whole IW fix-it concept is pretty great, in part because everything in canon backs up my interpretation of Thanos’s motives and it all just…fits. the way Loki reveals everything worked well too, once I figured out how to arrange all the pieces, and writing it was cathartic given how pissed I still am about…the whole thing. this one got a great response, too, with a few people even saying they’d never thought about Thanos’s bullshit motivations that way but I was right. and I like the way I ended it.

in that bright land to which I go. also cathartic for different reasons. I wrote it to make myself feel better about Loki and that’s what it did, and in general it helped me work through some of the ways I’ve always struggled with the idea of death. several commenters said it made them feel better too, about Loki specifically and life in general, which was wonderful to hear. and I think…wrestling with this in the context of Loki’s life and death and getting those thoughts down in this fic…I think it actually helped when Scully died, because by then I was better able to feel what I was saying there, that things aren’t pointless just because they end. 

I will kiss you till your breath is found, a.k.a. the Grandthorki fic I wrote for loxxxlay, which I spent a lot of time screaming about because it’s the most explicit thing I’ve ever written and also quite possibly the most fucked-up thing I’ve ever written so I was wildly insecure about it in about five different ways (is it not fucked up enough? too fucked up? does the sex stuff sound reasonable or does it sound like it was written by a somewhat sex-repulsed ace kid who learned 90% of what she knows about sex in general and m/m sex specifically from fanfic? does this whole mess, you know, work). but when people liked it enough to pacify my insecurities, I realized actually it was…maybe really good? in general I think it’s a decent IW fix-it with a nice reunion for Thor and Loki, and then when things get fucked up I think, probably, it’s the good kind of fucked up and I made it work. also the Grandmaster’s dialogue was fun to write, and I think I did a good job showing emotions effectively. like, the whole reaction paragraph where the Grandmaster first puts his hand around Loki’s throat–I never use the word “fear” or “terror” or anything like that, but what he’s feeling is (I hope) viscerally clear.