a hundred indecisions

so instead I’m going to answer a slightly easier question that nobody really asked, which is: top 5 fics I wrote last year. and actually this kind of has been asked, at some point probably months ago, because Lise and wmndarklord (that username no longer exists, so I’m not sure if they changed their username or they’re not on Tumblr at all anymore) tagged me in a meme to list my 5 favorite fics I’ve written ever, so narrowing that down to “5 favorite fics I wrote in 2018″ is easier and seasonally appropriate! 

it should probably surprise no one to learn that all 5 are Loki fics.

exit, pursued by tentacles. honestly it’s a weird mix of cracky humor and heartfelt Brodinson stuff, all based on me taking a Funko short too seriously and getting upset about it, which doesn’t sound like it should result in a decent fic but I really like what I ended up writing. I think the funny and serious stuff is pretty well balanced, and I established the scenario without a ton of infodumping. plus Loki gets to fuck with Dr. Strange and that’s very important. 

all turn to fire. Infinity War speculation fic that I didn’t finish until after IW came out internationally and spoilers were available, so it’s at a weird intersection of speculation and AU. this is also kind of an odd one for various reasons, especially because I made a couple assumptions based on the trailer (that the Statesman had crashed on a planet, mainly, which I then had to connect to Thor floating in space) and then had to work hard to make the fic fit those assumptions when canon was actually more straightforward, to the point that I don’t have any plans of continuing it like I said I might because canon is a simpler place to start for any AUs…and the process of writing it was kind of agonizing given that I meant to finish it well before IW actually came out but then I ended up frantically trying to finish it while knowing spoilers existed…but I recently reread this and I really, really like a lot of what I did with it. lots of good lines, solid dialogue (from a bunch of different characters, even), and I remember the attempted escape being incredibly hard to write but on reread I’m just like “hey good job, Past Me, this is suspenseful and tightly written!”

I am a time bomb ticking away the hours to blow your world apart. not to blow my own horn or anything but I think this whole IW fix-it concept is pretty great, in part because everything in canon backs up my interpretation of Thanos’s motives and it all just…fits. the way Loki reveals everything worked well too, once I figured out how to arrange all the pieces, and writing it was cathartic given how pissed I still am about…the whole thing. this one got a great response, too, with a few people even saying they’d never thought about Thanos’s bullshit motivations that way but I was right. and I like the way I ended it.

in that bright land to which I go. also cathartic for different reasons. I wrote it to make myself feel better about Loki and that’s what it did, and in general it helped me work through some of the ways I’ve always struggled with the idea of death. several commenters said it made them feel better too, about Loki specifically and life in general, which was wonderful to hear. and I think…wrestling with this in the context of Loki’s life and death and getting those thoughts down in this fic…I think it actually helped when Scully died, because by then I was better able to feel what I was saying there, that things aren’t pointless just because they end. 

I will kiss you till your breath is found, a.k.a. the Grandthorki fic I wrote for loxxxlay, which I spent a lot of time screaming about because it’s the most explicit thing I’ve ever written and also quite possibly the most fucked-up thing I’ve ever written so I was wildly insecure about it in about five different ways (is it not fucked up enough? too fucked up? does the sex stuff sound reasonable or does it sound like it was written by a somewhat sex-repulsed ace kid who learned 90% of what she knows about sex in general and m/m sex specifically from fanfic? does this whole mess, you know, work). but when people liked it enough to pacify my insecurities, I realized actually it was…maybe really good? in general I think it’s a decent IW fix-it with a nice reunion for Thor and Loki, and then when things get fucked up I think, probably, it’s the good kind of fucked up and I made it work. also the Grandmaster’s dialogue was fun to write, and I think I did a good job showing emotions effectively. like, the whole reaction paragraph where the Grandmaster first puts his hand around Loki’s throat–I never use the word “fear” or “terror” or anything like that, but what he’s feeling is (I hope) viscerally clear.  

Story time: I was passively suicidal for a long time, sometimes more actively. I never attempted it, but I had one particularly bad six-month stretch when I couldn’t find a job and I was living in a shitty apartment, and there were times when the bottle of Ambien in my medicine cabinet terrified me because I could imagine how easy it would be to hit a low enough point and obey the impulse to take the whole thing. (I remember being relieved every time my supply got low, because the fewer pills were in there, the less potential danger it represented and the less of a scary temptation it was–but I kept refilling the prescription anyway, because I needed it at the time just to sleep…and bad insomnia, of course, just worsened my depression.) 

There were…a number of reasons I didn’t, ultimately. But the thing is, I didn’t tell anybody at the time. A few friends who were paying attention could see I was doing bad, but I don’t think anybody knew how the thought of that bottle haunted me. For that matter, I don’t think anybody else knew about that specific detail until…well, today, years later.

I especially didn’t tell family. I knew they wouldn’t get it. I remember years ago my maternal grandma talking about the selfishness of someone who died by suicide, and that was long before I knew I was depressed, but I argued a little and she brushed off my objections. So…to some extent, I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want anyone to worry. But the real reason was, I didn’t want to deal with anyone’s worry. (I didn’t want to risk having my Ambien taken away, either.) 

I already hated myself, already felt guilty for not being better. Imagining reactions to saying “I want to be dead”? How people would be horrified, and confused, and I’d have to find words to explain and somehow reassure them? It was…crushing. It was one more thing I didn’t have the resources to deal with—and that made being dead sound even better. 

The idea that suicide was selfish, that it would hurt people—oh, and that a failed attempt requiring medical care would cost money I couldn’t afford because a lack of health insurance was one of my biggest stressors—didn’t make me less suicidal. It just meant that if I was going to kill myself, I would have to do it right. Make sure I wasn’t around to have to deal with the unbearable consequences of a failed attempt. 

A suicidal person is suicidal because they’re in too much pain to keep existing that way. Telling them suicide is selfish doesn’t fucking help—all it does is pile one more burden on an already crushing pile and make escape through death seem even more appealing. If your response to suicide is to loudly talk about how selfish and awful it was, just…I can’t make you have compassion or empathy. But you should know that you’re actively making things worse. 

Saying the right thing is hard. Shutting up so you don’t harm people—that’s easy. If you can’t do the former, you can at least shut up.

if you’ve been following me for any length of time or just, like, glanced at my sidebar, you know I’m ace and aro; I’ve talked before about my slow process of figuring that out, and also about how sexual and romantic attraction are things I only understand in the most conceptual, intellectual way possible. it’s like…I recognize that these forms of attraction exist and that people experience them, and I have a very vague understanding of sexual desire specifically, but trying to understand attraction is probably kind of like trying to understand a color that doesn’t exist on the spectrum visible to human eyes. it’s all just a big ????????? to me. untangling sexual and romantic attraction is pretty similar, partly because they’re both things I don’t instinctively grasp in the first place so it’s even harder for me to figure out where one theoretically ends and the other begins. which is of course not even something that everyone even needs to figure out because lots of people don’t like or use the split attraction model, I’m mostly just trying to emphasize the extent to which both my sexual and romantic orientations are one big “I don’t get it??????”

I’ve never had sex, is the other thing. I’m vaguely curious about it, in that I would maybe like to have sex at some point in my life just to see what it’s like, but there are maybe two very specific circumstances in which I can actually imagine myself doing that, and even then I don’t know that I would actually want to go through with it if things got any more specific than that vague curiosity. so I might be sex-repulsed? I mean, I’m sex-positive in terms of anybody else who wants it, and I really don’t think I’m a prude or whatever anymore (look, I was raised super conservative, I don’t see how I could’ve been anything else for at least half my life), but for myself personally I’m…at least sex-indifferent. never been kissed either and I can’t say the idea holds much appeal, although otherwise I seem to be some very weird combination of touch-starved and touch-averse. I dunno, some of that is probably just being awkward about everything, and not being raised in a very demonstrative family (physically but also in other ways, somewhat). so is some of this also tied up in my long-term depression/anxiety issues? it’s possible. I don’t particularly care, though, so it isn’t really a problem for me, and the more I’ve come to understand this stuff, the more I’ve realized that I’ve pretty much always been that way, so it’s not like it’s a medication side effect.

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE: although I wouldn’t know what to do with a romantic or sexual relationship, I do like the idea of a committed relationship of some kind, which I guess goes under queerplatonic…and I really can’t imagine being in any kind of serious relationship with a cis guy. is that mostly a reaction to societal issues (prevalence of toxic masculinity etc.) at this point, rather than a matter of attraction/orientation? could be! that’s probably part of it. I know I do aesthetically appreciate some men (cough Tom Hiddleston). but lately I’ve also realized that I’m waaaaaaay more likely to have a “HOLY SHIT, HEARTS IN MY EYES” reaction to women and the occasional enby than to any guy. (like. can we just talk about muscular women. can we.) 

so what do you get when you add up all of ^^that? LOL I DON’T FUCKIN KNOW, YOU TELL ME. this is why I usually just default to “ace” even though it’s a little more complicated than that. but I do know one thing for sure, which is, I am queer; I am absolutely not straight. that’s the important part.