a hundred indecisions

if you’ve been following me for any length of time or just, like, glanced at my sidebar, you know I’m ace and aro; I’ve talked before about my slow process of figuring that out, and also about how sexual and romantic attraction are things I only understand in the most conceptual, intellectual way possible. it’s like…I recognize that these forms of attraction exist and that people experience them, and I have a very vague understanding of sexual desire specifically, but trying to understand attraction is probably kind of like trying to understand a color that doesn’t exist on the spectrum visible to human eyes. it’s all just a big ????????? to me. untangling sexual and romantic attraction is pretty similar, partly because they’re both things I don’t instinctively grasp in the first place so it’s even harder for me to figure out where one theoretically ends and the other begins. which is of course not even something that everyone even needs to figure out because lots of people don’t like or use the split attraction model, I’m mostly just trying to emphasize the extent to which both my sexual and romantic orientations are one big “I don’t get it??????”

I’ve never had sex, is the other thing. I’m vaguely curious about it, in that I would maybe like to have sex at some point in my life just to see what it’s like, but there are maybe two very specific circumstances in which I can actually imagine myself doing that, and even then I don’t know that I would actually want to go through with it if things got any more specific than that vague curiosity. so I might be sex-repulsed? I mean, I’m sex-positive in terms of anybody else who wants it, and I really don’t think I’m a prude or whatever anymore (look, I was raised super conservative, I don’t see how I could’ve been anything else for at least half my life), but for myself personally I’m…at least sex-indifferent. never been kissed either and I can’t say the idea holds much appeal, although otherwise I seem to be some very weird combination of touch-starved and touch-averse. I dunno, some of that is probably just being awkward about everything, and not being raised in a very demonstrative family (physically but also in other ways, somewhat). so is some of this also tied up in my long-term depression/anxiety issues? it’s possible. I don’t particularly care, though, so it isn’t really a problem for me, and the more I’ve come to understand this stuff, the more I’ve realized that I’ve pretty much always been that way, so it’s not like it’s a medication side effect.

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE: although I wouldn’t know what to do with a romantic or sexual relationship, I do like the idea of a committed relationship of some kind, which I guess goes under queerplatonic…and I really can’t imagine being in any kind of serious relationship with a cis guy. is that mostly a reaction to societal issues (prevalence of toxic masculinity etc.) at this point, rather than a matter of attraction/orientation? could be! that’s probably part of it. I know I do aesthetically appreciate some men (cough Tom Hiddleston). but lately I’ve also realized that I’m waaaaaaay more likely to have a “HOLY SHIT, HEARTS IN MY EYES” reaction to women and the occasional enby than to any guy. (like. can we just talk about muscular women. can we.) 

so what do you get when you add up all of ^^that? LOL I DON’T FUCKIN KNOW, YOU TELL ME. this is why I usually just default to “ace” even though it’s a little more complicated than that. but I do know one thing for sure, which is, I am queer; I am absolutely not straight. that’s the important part.